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Baby Onions: Post-SuperBowlapalooza

February 9, 2010

Editor’s note: Rookie biatch Joe has new column for all y’all. It’s a weekly feature called “Baby Onions” and it will appear every Tuesday. If you like Top 5 lists, then you’ve come to the right place. If you don’t like Top 5 lists, then you’re a communist.

Best 5 QB’s of all time…

1. Jay Cutler

  • Ever wonder how the classic Mega-Man character, with a literal cannon for an arm, would fare in the NFL?
  • Out of the 27 picks he had this year, 27 of them fall on the receivers/lineman. Fact.
  • Disagree? Check your attitude at the door!

2. Spacer

  • No one comes close enough to rank directly behind Jay.

3. Joe Montana

  • Don’t be ridiculous, 5-0 in the Super Bowl.
  • Yes, he had Jerry Rice…but he also was a major factor is creating Jerry “the greatest receiver ever” Rice.

4. Peyton Manning

  • More responsibility on and off the field than any other QB in history. Can’t sack him, can’t hit him, can’t beat him…usually.
  • When you take two no-name receivers and make them into household names (Garcon & Collie) on your way to a Super Bowl…you’re OK.

5. Dan Marino

  • Ace Ventura Pet Detective – Laces out Dan!
  • Enough said.

Top 5 Offseason targets for the
Chicago Bears…

1. The Incredible Hulk

  • Position: Offensive and Defensive Line
  • Effectiveness: 10

i. How do we get him angry enough to stay the hulk for each game? Rod Marinelli will be our D-Coordinator. Done and done.

2. Da Coach or comparable yeller

  • Position: Coach/Coordinator
  • Effectiveness: 5

i. Some respond well to yelling, some don’t. It may not even help the team a whole lot but it will make me feel better watching. At least when the Bears play like hot garbage I will know someone is yelling at them for it.

ii. I want Tommy Harris to be slapped across the face with harsh and lashing words when he decides when he will play hard and when he doesn’t feel like it!

3. Air Bud

  • Position: Kickoff/Punt Returner/Offensive Wildcard
  • Effectiveness: 8

i. He is that dog from the basketball and football movies. He is like how Devin Hester used to be…fast and elusive…and illiterate.

ii. Goes from a 10 to an 8 because the jury is still out on whether the ball Buddy carried in those movies was fully inflated. Investigation to follow…stay posted.

4. Anyone dating a celebrity

  • Position: Wideout, DB…anything really.
  • Effectiveness: 0…but Enjoyability*: 8

i. Cutaways to Jessica Simpson, Kim Kardashian, Carrie Underwood, etc. are ALWAYS welcome. Especially if we continue to lose to teams by 20+ points.

5. Tom Thayer

  • Position: Guard
  • Effectiveness: 7

i. WILL NOT allow any fumbles to be lost while the offense is on the fieldBanshee like “Ball!” scream followed by a violent pouncey dash to the ball.

ii. He is a little older in age but given this years talent indicators, age is not such a negative factor (Favre, Woodson, Sharper, Dawkins,etc.)

iii. He is still a huge intense crazy mofo…get him suited up already!

*Enjoyability is indeed a made up word…but a good one.

Top 5 Super Bowl commercials I wish were apart of my life

1. Bud Light House

  • You don’t know why I wouldn’t want that? Really?

2. No Pants Theme

  • I would really be ok with a strong contingent of men supporting the option of no pants. I don’t exactly know why…extreme freedom maybe? Ten extra minutes of sleep in the morning without having to match/pick-out/put on pants?

3. Talking baby on a plane

  • Hehehehe
  • Look at that baby talking!! Hehehehe.

4. Go Daddy

  • Women tearing off clothing to prove they are “Go Daddy Worthy”, just by me saying “you are not Go Daddy Worthy.”

5. Megan Fox ad

  • I don’t remember what it was for…but Megan Fox ad.

Top 5 Favorite Super Bowl Foods

1. Beer_40

  • Deliciousness Factor: 10
  • Health: 10
  • Makeability: 10
  • Quantity before sickness: 10

2. Pigs in a blanket_32

  • Deliciousness Factor: 10
  • Health: 7
  • Makeability: 6
  • Quantity before sickness: 9

3. Chicken Wings_31

  • Deliciousness Factor: 8
  • Health: 7
  • Makeability: 7 (Heat Up)
  • Quantity before sickness:  9

4. Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels_28

  • Deliciousness Factor: 7
  • Health: 5
  • Makeability: 10 (pre-packaged)
  • Quantity before sickness: 6

5. Chili_22

  • Deliciousness Factor: 8
  • Health: 8
  • Makeability: 1
  • Quantity before sickness: 5

Final Word: After much deliberation the results came out exactly as I would prefer the food to come out in chronological order; I would attack the beer cooler first, followed by the PIB’s. I would then go for the wings and pretzels before finally settling on the main course meal of chili. I had all of the above on Sunday and would not change a thing. GREAT SUCCESS!!

Deliciousness Factor: How good it tastes

Health: Reverse scale of how healthy (ie, carrots-0, straight bacon grease-10)

Makeability: How easily can I make a lot of it without strain or stress

Quantity before sickness: How many can I eat/drink mindlessly without feeling sick.

Top 5 reasons to be excited about the Chicago Cubs upcoming season…

1. Mark McGuire as a Cardinal again

  • I want to see him stretching in the outfield during the pre-game warm-ups from the bleachers. Let the vulgarity ensue.

2. Starlin Castro

  • (wipe drool from mouth now)…(and again now)

3. Aramis Ramirez swinging at 3-1 pitches

  • At some point he will make contact…and that ball WILL kill someone. Fact.

4. Carlos Silva’s 4th win of the season

  • SLAP!!! (Editor’s note: More on this later.)

5. Summer time in Wrigleyville

  • Try not to be excited…I dare you.

Questions? Comments? Tips? Hate mail?
Send ’em to

5 Comments leave one →
  1. February 9, 2010 10:49 am

    Pigs in a blanket at #2!?!?!?!?! Above chicken wings? get your head out of your ass Joe.

  2. Joe permalink*
    February 9, 2010 11:27 am

    We sat next to each other for the game. You devoured three things far far far more than anything else. 1) Beer 2) Pigs in a blanket 3) Your dignity, per usual. You know it and I k now it, PIB’s are better than chicken wings. Now you get your head out of my ass.

  3. February 9, 2010 11:49 am

    The only reason I ate more PIB than chicken wings was because there were no chicken wings. Chicken wings are widely recognized as the ultimate snack food while watching sports.

  4. February 24, 2013 5:49 pm

    whoah this weblog is excellent i love studying your articles.
    Keep up the great work! You already know, lots of individuals are looking round for this information, you can
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