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South Side Tom: No B.S. baseball mailbag

July 13, 2010

With the All-Star Game upon us, Second String Sports special contributor South Side Tom decided now was the perfect time to answer your questions about how the White Sox and Cubs will fare in the second half of the season. You can send your questions to Tom by e-mailing

We’re halfway done wit da baseball season and da White Sox sit atop da AL Central while da Cubs continue to suck balls like my cheating whore girlfriend, Linda. Hey Linda, fuck you and da Cubs. I’ll see you at dinner, baby. Don’t forget da extra marinara on my meatballs sandwich. Alright, let’s get on wit da questions.

George, LaGrange: Hey Tom, will the Sox win the division? Don’t bullshit me asshole.

Tom: George, I am bullshit free, sir. As such, I regret to inform you da Sox will not be taking da AL Central crown dis season. I feel those Canadian, socialist wannabes in Minnesota will most likely finish in first because they are da most balanced team in da division. But dat doesn’t mean da Sox won’t win da Wildcard and da World Fucking Series. Hell yeah.

Jill, Lockport: Tom, I’m worried about Gordon Beckham. Will he rebound in the second half?

Tom: Jill, da ladies love Beckham. If I was a gay and lived in Wrigleyville, I would totally want to go balls deep in him too. Wit a batting average of .217 and an OBP of .277, I can’t see Bacon saving his season statistically, but he certainly can’t do worse. Let the Brent Lillibridge reign of terror begin.

Marcus, Libertyville: I’m a lifelong Cubs fans and I was wondering if I could get your opinion on Carlos Zambrano. Do you think he’ll ever pitch for the Cubs again?

Tom: Marcus, hahahahahahahahahahaha. Fuck you, asshole. Zambrano is a loudmouthed, short-tempered, attention whore who is as much about self-promoting as he is about pitching. Winners like da White Sox don’t need that shit. Good luck wit dat waste of talent and money.

Raul, Pilsen: Will the White Sox trade for Adam Dunn?

Tom: Raul, I strongly believes GM Kenny Williams will do everything he can to insert a slugger into da White Sox lineup. But wit one of da weakest farm systems in all of baseball, it’s going to be difficult to make a significant trade unless he is willing to give up Matt Thornton. If only there was a free agent slugger available.

John, Evanston: Attendance at Cubs games has been significantly lower this season. Are the fans sending a message to the organization or is it just the product of a rough economy?

Tom: John, you are a douchebag and I hate you. Times have been tough for everyone, including me. They started cutting salaries at the steel mill, so I needed to reorganize my spending habits. All my money goes to paying bills, fixing da house, and buying those annoying W flags so I burn them in my backyard. I think da lack of attendance at Wrigley has more to do wit da economy than anything else. Clearly Cubs fans would rather buy beer than tickets.

Well that’s it for da mailbag. I hope you fuckers had a good time. Now excuse me while I goes take a dump on my neighbor’s Toyota Prius. Fuck da Cubs and all their sponsors.

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